Tempers and passions are flaring very high today. With the Supreme Court decision about abortion, the shootings at V-Tech along with the horrendous media displays and the bombings in Baghdad which killed 183 people it's a wonder that our heads aren't all exploding.

I have much to say about all three issues, as well as many more...but it occurs to me that at this moment, when I'm feeling so much outrage and anger, when I want to throttle the world's leaders and scream at those who would do harm, when I am filled with so much disbelief, horror and sorrow...that there is a better way.

:takes a deep breath:

We, as a people, are not going to survive if we don't stand together. We may have differing opinions, we may not ever be able to agree on certain issues, but if we cannot overcome our blindness to the hurt and pain of our brothers and sisters, if we can't even simply open our minds and listen to one another...we will utimately fall.

I'm not referring to any one post or person, but of the world in general. It dawns on me how many deaths would have been prevented if we had just listened, how many wars would have been stopped before they started if minds had been open, how sometimes words do speak louder than actions and we're just too wrapped up in our own beliefs to hear.

So to you, all of you, let me be the first to say and offer this. I will listen to you, I will hear you, I will try to understand. I'm not always going to agree with you but I will always care for you. If you're hurt you can lean on me, if you need help I will do everything I can. I don't care what race you are, your gender and sexual preferences don't change who you are in my eyes, your religious beliefs do not make you a lesser person than I. I might get angry with you, but I'll get over it. You might hurt my feelings, but I will forgive you. I will not hate you, I will not deliberately hurt you and if I do so unintentionally I'll apologize sincerely.

There are those in this world so filled with rage and hate that they would purposely hurt another human being simply so they won't have to live with their pain alone. Don't let that be you. If you feel alone, if you're afraid, if you're lonely, if you're angry or sad, I have a hand for you. My shoulders are wide, my heart is big, my spirit is strong, don't be ashamed to lean on me.

And maybe someday I won't be ashamed to lean on you.

For those of you rolling your eyes in disbelief, shaking your head and calling me a liar, try me. The worst that can happen is that you'll be back where you started, the best is that I'm true to my word.

In the end we will stand united, noone will walk alone....maybe we really will change the world. Either way we'll see this through together.

We are in this world together, together we can overcome anything.


I am making this an open post. No anonymous comments will be allowed but please don't hesitate to pass this on. Send your friends over, hell send your enemies. Let's take this opportunity to build a bridge and see how strong we can make it.

Sorry for the friends lock but I felt it was something I had to do. If you'd like me to add you please comment here and you'll become a member of my Post Ho-ing f-list.

Peace

Tru

I wish someone would ask me if I wanted pollution in my air. I don't remember telling anyone that it was o.k. with me if I had a tad bit more carbon monoxide in my oxygen.

I wish someone would ask me before they kill off the polar bear. I really like polar bears and I seem to recall that they were here first anyway.

I wish someone would ask me if I wanted gas prices to skyrocket. I wouldn't mind using ethanol or a hybrid car if they'd produce more of them and make them easily accessible to the world.

I wish someone would ask me if I minded school shootings. I'm pretty sure I would have said yes I do. I do, after all, have four kids in school, two heading to college soon and I really don't think they'd look as pretty riddled with bullets.

I wish someone would ask me if I wanted Bush for president for eight years. I didn't vote for the bastard, why should I have to live under his misguided rules? And no I don't think I should have to move out of the country because I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM!

I wish someone would ask me before they destroyed all the land to build Wal-Marts and parking lots. I happen to like corn fields and pastures and if I'm not mistaken the Earth does too.

I wish someone would ask me before they raise taxes and still cut school funding. Why am I paying more when I buy grapes, cereal and milk, more on my house, more on my car, more to the state, more to the country if none of it's being applied to my children's educations?

I wish someone would ask me before No Child Is Left Behind. Because, honest to God, it's not like our country isn't ALREADY falling behind in the most educated country department. If a kid can't read, can't write, can't recite their alphabet then they damned sure probably need to be left behind. The last thing we need is a bunch more Bush's.

I wish someone would ask me before we interfere in the business of other countries. Seriously, don't we have enough issues in THIS country that we need to tend to first?

I wish someone would ask me before they tore down more rain forests. Who gave them permission to do that anyway?

I wish someone would ask me before they declared global warming a myth. It's hotter outside, the ocean's waters are rising, tornadoes and hurricanes are more rampant, more mosquitoes spreading disease, less honeybees doing their bee thing, animals meeting up that were never intended to meet, salt water leaking into fresh waters... Looks like global warming, sounds like global warming, smells like global warming...MUST BE GLOBAL WARMING!

I wish someone would ask me before they bombed our country, warred on each other, killed innocent people. There's got to be a better way to handle these things don't you think?

I wish someone would ask me before they raze the farms and raise the price of food. That seems just a bit on the ludicrous side doesn't it?

I wish someone would ask me before they're intolerant and ignorant. We could sit down and discuss it and perhaps we'd walk a different path together.

I wish someone would just ask me....I may not have all the answers but I know that listening to the wants and needs of the people whose lives you're affecting is a start.

***This has been an entry for therealljidol. Please visit the community and stay to read and vote for the final four.

Good morning Dad,

How is it where you are this morning? I imagine by now you're on your way into town, cup of coffee tucked safely between your legs as you drive. You've probably been up since the crack of dawn, I'm sorry to say that I slept until 9. Since you're not here to wake me up in the mornings by shaking my bed, rustling the blankets around or rubbing your callused hand jokingly over my face I don't wake up as early as I ought to.

I'm starting a new thing today, 100 days of trying to lose weight and write. I know, I know, you're probably shaking your head at me and thinking "Sis, if you really want to do this you'll just do it and not worry about 100 days.". I know. :laughs: But you know even with your advice I would have done it anyway and talked to you about it the whole time, and you would have supported me whether you agreed with me or not.

I really miss that.

It's a pretty day here today. The sun's out and the kids are already bustling about. I can hear Melody and Andy having breakfast in the kitchen and talking about going outside to play. You remember me telling you about them don't you? I know you never got the chance to meet them but you'd really like them, especially Andy. You'd think Melody is adorable but you would have appreciated Andy's orneryness. You would have helped him get over some of his anger issues and taught him how to be a strong, independent man. And I think he would have listened to you because you just had that way about you when it came to boys. Gentle with the girls, tough on the boys, that was your way. And somehow you made it work every time.

Mary is 17 now and becoming a fine young woman. She's artistic, like me, and she reads a lot, also like me. Lacy is so smart Dad. She gets straight A's every report card and she's taking honors classes that the seniors are taking to get into college, and she's only a freshman yet! You remember how you used to tell me that men loved smart women? Well it's true. She's got her hands full of boys who have a crush on her. So does Mary. But they're both straight headed girls and they've made very wise choices so far. I'm so proud of them, I know you would be too.

Father's Day is almost here. I hate Father's Day, you know that. It seems unfair to Bill to hate it as much as I do but I try to hide it as much as I can so he'll have a nice day. I really just want to crawl in bed with the blankets over my head and wait until it's over. It amazes me that you've been gone for 14 years now and I still ache just as much now as I did when I first got the news. Everyone told me that the pain would get less as the years went on, but it doesn't. If anything it's sharper now. It seems that as soon as I get to a point where I'm not thinking about you every day I see somebody who looks like you or has your soft voice or some special holiday will come and it hurts like a piece of glass in my chest. It's not that dull every day pain but it's sharper and more clear and sometimes I wish it would go away....other times I welcome it. As long as the pain exists it means I haven't forgotten you.

I sometimes wonder why you were taken from me before all the really bad things in my life happened. You never would have left me alone like that if you'd had a choice. You would have killed Don for hurting me and you would have made sure I got the medical attention I needed. I wonder if I'd have these headaches and memory losses if you had still been around. I wonder if Andy and Melody would have been born differently, maybe they wouldn't have the issues that they both have now. You would have been there for me, encouraged me, helped me even though I wouldn't have asked.

You would have gotten us out of there before the real damage happened.

I know my life would have been different if you were around. Maybe I'd have a real home to call my own, maybe I wouldn't have dated Bill again and I would have finished school, maybe mom would have been kinder to me because she was always kinder when you were there.

I don't know, I guess I'll never know will I? It's all just a guessing game because you weren't there, you're never going to be here again.

All I can do now is thank you for the times you were able to be there. Even when you were sick you thought of me. We tried to take care of each other, you and I. I was so young when you died, I was young and foolish. Your last visit with me was horrible but I know now that you understood what was going on. I was young, dumb, too immature to understand that you knew you weren't long for this world. Too immature to realize that you had come to say goodbye.

I never got to say goodbye to you. Then or in the hospital.

Maybe someone upstairs knew I was going to need you down the line. Maybe They knew that if I said goodbye to you then I wouldn't feel you with me anymore and I needed to. Even though you were too tired to go on I needed to feel you with me. I was only strong enough to survive all of that because I could feel your hand on my shoulder, I could hear your voice telling me I was going to be o.k., that I could do this.

I'm still not ready to say goodbye. Not yet...not right now.

You rest whenever you need to. I know it's hard for you to be there for me when I need you, but you never fail me. Even when I think I don't need you you're there anyway. And I'm not ready to lose you yet.

I felt you with me last spring when I went through that whole mess. You walked with me when I traveled and you were there every step of mine and Mary's journey. You watched her grow and you watched me change. I wonder sometimes if it was you that sent Butterfly to us. That would make sense, you always seemed to know what everybody needed.

I miss you every day Dad, but knowing that you can be here when I really need you helps so much. I hope it's alright if I ask you to stay just a little longer. I think I only have about 40 or 50 more years on this planet, I hope it's not asking too much for you to stick it out with me. I won't bother you too much, I'm a pretty strong woman now. Maybe just for those times when I'm really lonely, when I'm at my lowest. Those don't happen often anymore so if you could just stick around for those.....

I have to go now, it's time for me to get started. I don't know if scrambled eggs count as diet food but I'm really craving them this morning so I think I'll make a batch. I'm going to be by myself at the breakfast table, today feels like it's going to be one of those really lonely days and I remember how much you liked scrambled eggs. I'll even put out the hot sauce. :laughs:

I know I say this all the time but I have to thank you again. You changed my life. You made me a better person inside and out, if it wasn't for you I'd be like mom....I know you loved her but even you admitted that the world didn't need two of them. I feel beautiful, intelligent and special because of you. You never let me think I was anything less than amazing and I've carried that with me locked in a small box in my heart. Every so often I take it out, look at it, and remind myself that my Dad thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I used to love it when you said that. Thank you for making me a whole person, for fixing the cracks and dents when nobody else could or wanted to.

Thank you for loving me when nobody else would.

I'm going to go put the eggs on now, I'll see you at the table.

I love you....and I miss you so much.

Penny

I'm an Earth sign, a Virgo to be precise. As you can imagine, Earth signs tend to shun (just for you Charlie the Unicorn fans "Ssssssssssssssssssshhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!") Fire signs. Fire shakes us up, it scares us. It's not soothing like Water or mystical like Air, it's destructive, wrathful, unforgiving....

...exciting, sexy, inviting....

Yeah, we shun ("Sssssssshhhhhhhuuuuuuuuun!" Sorry, last time.) Fire signs, because we want them in the worst possible way and they're BAD for us. BAD I say! (but they're so TOUCHABLE)

Now on a personal note, I tend to shun (so tempted) fiery relationships in general. The sexual passion is incredible but the passion in the rest of the relationship can be overwhelming. The heated arguments, the smoldering silences, the blistering comments...

...the spark inducing looks, the blazing touches, the hot as HELL lovemaking.....

It's all sometimes too much for me. When your relationship is that full of passion it never ceases to be exciting and who really wants exciting ALL the time anyway right?

Yeah, I know, I do.

But still it scares me to death. Whenever I hear or "feel" that word, Fire, in reference to a relationship I find myself thinking of the song Fire, the Pointer Sisters cover of it of course.

I'm riding in your car, you turn on the radio
You're pullin' me close, I just say no
I say I don't like it, but you know I'm a liar
'Cause when we kiss, oooh, fire

This is what I'm saying!!! I say no, they pull close, it's all over dammit!

Late at night, you're taking me home
You say you wanna stay, I say I wanna be alone
I say I don't love you, but you know I'm a liar
'Cause when we kiss, oooh, fire

Even that old "I have a headache." doesn't work.

You had a hold on me right from the start
A grip so tight I couldn't tear it apart
My nerves all jumpin', actin' like a fool
Well, your kisses they burn, but my heart stays cool

Psssssh, I don't know what she's talking about, her heart stays cool. My hearts burns like an amethyst sitting on a bed of hot molten lava.

Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah
Baby, you can bet, a love they couldn't deny
My words say split, but my words they lie
'Cause when we kiss, oooh, fire

Oh my God those kisses...

Fire (Hot kisses like) Fire
Burn me up with (Fire)
I like what you're doing now, fire
Touching me with fire

Sing it Sisters

Touching me, burning me with fire
Take me home with fire
Your kiss is like fire

That's it, I'm melting.




****This has been a home game version of therealljidol. Please check out the community and stay to read and vote for the final four.

You know, you would think this entry would be about my kids, about how I escaped my abusive marriage, ridding myself of my abusive mother who started that cycle, putting myself back through school, raising children on my own, my trip last year, my new job....

But no.

My greatest accomplishment to date?

I LEARNED TO MAKE KILLER PANCAKES!!!

Seriously, do you have any idea how HARD it is to make a good pancake?!?

You have to add just enough flour to make them fluffy but not so much that they have that pasty flavor. You have to know when is enough sugar, especially if you're adding other ingredients, i.e. chocolate chips, bananas, etc. You have to know the absolute PERFECT flipping moment. Too soon and you lose a bunch of your pancake in a sloppy mess, too late and the pancake is burnt and flat in spots. And the flip itself is equally important. Don't let t.v. fool you, flipping too high and allowing the pancake to attach itself to the ceiling before falling, coincidently, back into the pan does not enhance the flavor.

And the way I had to learn to make them! Whew boy let me tell ya!

It was Mother's Day 8 years ago and Bill had just moved in with me. He told me the night before that he and the kids were going to do something special for me and he expected me to stay in bed until he called me.

O.k. Sounded good to me. My kids were little yet and I had never had a sleep in type of Mother's Day, I was all for it.

Andy, who was only a year at the time, woke up early and I heard Bill feeding him in the kitchen. I started to drift off to sleep when I felt someone shaking me. I blink my weary eyes and it's Bill hovering over me, "Sorry hon..but...where's the pan?". "Huh? What pan?" "The pancake pan." This got my attention and I sat up. "Pancake pan? You mean the griddle? It's in the bottom right cabinet by the sink. You're making pancakes? Do you know HOW to make pancakes? I don't think I have any Bisquick, maybe I should get up?" I started to climb out of bed and he pushed me back. "Nope, I've got it. I found a recipe."

That last sentence was literally followed by the DUM DUM DAAAAAAAAAH that you hear in most soap operas when an evil plot is afoot.

"Bill. BILL!!! I really should help you!" "Nope, that's o.k. It's all under control."

Yeah o.k.

After debating a bit I think to myself he can't possibly do that much damage. Maybe some really gross pancakes but that's about it. I go back to sleep self assured that everything's going to be fine, stupid mistake.

Next thing I know my kids are crying, the house is filled with smoke and Bill's reading the, now batter covered, recipe book trying to figure out what went wrong.

After I aired the house out, cleaned up the burnt pan and blackened stove and managed to wipe the scowl from my face I started to pour the kids some cereal...

...but how are you going to promise a bunch of cute little rugrats some homemade pancakes and then feed them cold cereal? I couldn't do it.

So I wiped off page 136 of the Betty Crocker Cook Book and read the instructions....

...and what do you know, the damn things came out pretty good.

Since then I've become a whiz. I can whip you up a batch of Penny's homemade redheaded hillbilly flapjacks in the beat of a hummingbirds wing. *I love saying that*

So forget having kids, raising kids, abusive situations, terrifying moments, the trials and tribulations of life....if you can make pancakes you've got it all under control.

***This has been a home entry for therealljidol. Please come check out the community, read the home and final contestants entries and support the final four!

Good morning everybody.

I wanted to take a minute and explain my mad rash of writing the last couple of days. A few of you probably remember this *grins* but a couple of seasons ago I participated in a Livejournal writing competition by the name of therealljidol. I won that season and over the next two seasons I read the new participants entries, voted and showed my support whenever I could.

Now we're down to the final four. Some absolutely AMAZING writers, they make me grateful I'm NOT competing against them this season to be honest, they'd destroy me!

chite
kittenboo
porcelain72
tulip_in_yellow

These four woman amaze the hell out of me, especially this week with the newest twist.

The host, clauderainsrm, has asked them to write 16 entries. 16 entries!!! I'd be ripping my hair out!! After talking to him about it I understand what he's trying to do and I give the final four a lot of kudos for the grace they're exhibiting and for, once again, pulling out all the stops with their incredible talent. This is a HARD challenge and they've managed to impress me again.

And I wound up feeling like a toad.

I mean seriously, they, and the rest of the competitors as well, have been writing their HEARTS out the entire season and I've been standing by the sidelines cheering but not doing much else.

So I issued a challenge. To myself, to all of the former competitors this season as well as other seasons, to you if you'll take it.

We're going to write along side of the final four, all sixteen entries, in the timeframe alloted by the host. I want to embrace this task with the final four, give the other writers the chance to flex their talent one more time as well as my own and show the watching community how difficult this competition really is.

For some of us this wasn't just a game, it was an opportunity. A really great one.

So if you see a plethora of "Open Entries" over the next couple of weeks that's what they're all about. Please feel free to comment, critique, participate yourself even. You don't have to do all 16 entries, even one is fantastic. Or root for the writers if you don't want to play along. We could always use the extra support.

We've got a lot of wonderful talent taking the challenge, I'm very proud of each and every one of them. And I also can't reiterate enough how incredible the final four are. Please make sure to read their entries and vote for them when the time comes. I'll be pimping that vote big time.

The challenge is here for today. clauderainsrm is indulging me in issuing a new challenge with every time frame he sets, this first one is to write four entries, one from each category. I'll be posting the new challenge tonight for the next four entries.

What do you win for this? Nothing physical...but maybe the chance to spread your writing wings and support a lot of talented people is enough.

Editors Note: I went back a ways for this one. I wanted to try to challenge myself and do something funny. I SUCK at teh funny, I really do. I can do drama like it's nobody's business but funny is hard for me. My lovely friend tulip_in_yellow came up with this topic some time ago and I never got the opportunity to do it. Here's me trying it now. Please forgive me.

Write a harlequin romance scene. Starring zombies.

He paced irrationally as the sun sank in the west. She should have been here by now, she should have been here by now.
He brushed the flies from his torn overcoat and picked the cock-a-burr from his ratty hair. He checked his reflection one more time in the rainbow laden oil puddle at his feet.

The left eyeball dangling from his eye socket looked particularly shiny this evening.

He paced again, not in the slow, loping manner of his predecessors, but in the quick, frightening gait of the newly dead.

If she didn't come soon he was going to have to do it without her.

Suddenly!!! He sniffed the air, she was close! He shambled to the dark corner of the warehouse where they had first met, where they'd fallen in love, where he'd eaten her brains.

They still laughed about that moment from time to time, if you could call the coughing grunts and growls that emanated from their parched lips laughing.

She ran to greet him, still wearing the torn red, stained gown he'd slain her in. Her maggot infested curls danced with life, real life, lots of life. He embraced her, gently this time. After crushing her pinky finger to dust the last time he'd learned to be more careful.

He pressed his lips to hers, relishing the stale breath of the un-graved, nipping a delightful bit of skin off in the process. She was still as tasty as ever.

She smiled her lopsided grin at him, he often wondered if he'd taken too much of her brain when he saw that smile, and presented him with the item that had held her from him far longer than usual.

A canary.

He clapped his hands together, the lingering sunlight glorifying the mites sailing through the air. He freed the small, yellow body from her clammy hands and held it close to him. Stroking the downy feathers he lifted it to his lips, closer, closer....

...planting a small kiss on it's beak before placing it in the salvaged, golden cage with the female he'd caught last week.

He kissed her cheek lightly and howled his pleasure to her. As she shrugged shyly he noticed the moon waning in the sky, just for them. He wrapped his arm around her tiny waist as they raced off into the night.

The lovers hunted together. Always and always.

As the screams of the humans who didn't have time to hide surrounded them, the wisely ignorant yellow birds snuggled into each other and slept.

Safe.

In love.

(After this entry there will be one more and an explanation and much catching up on my f-list. I've just GOT to get these last two done before tomorrow.)

After awhile you stop counting the lumps.

You kind of figure what's the point anyway, there's just going to be more. As the blows rain down on you and you feel the darkness envelope you, you don't worry about how many bumps and bruises you're going to have the next day.

You worry about whether or not you're going to HAVE a next day.

As you stare in the mirror and you count the welts covering your arms, the bruises on your face, you find yourself grateful for them. You're alive, that's something...it may not be much of a life but you hoard it as a dying man does his last breath.

You field the questions, "Why don't you just LEAVE?", "How could you let him DO that to you?". You learn to tolerate the motherly clucking and head shaking. You brush off the ridicule. Yes, ridicule. You're a source of humor with your blackened eyes and fat lip. You're a joke around the water cooler, "Did you see her?", "She's pathetic!", "He's going to kill her one of these days.", "You know she COULD use makeup to cover that. I don't want to see it!", "I bet she gets off on it.".

You listen to their advice, as if you've never thought those thoughts before. "You know you could go to a shelter.", "There's all kinds of help out there if you REALLY wanted it.", "I'd NEVER let anybody to that to ME."

It's a reprieve anyway. You'd rather be ridiculed than hit again. You'll take the motherly clucking over the fist in your face. Advice is balm to your ears, as long as you don't have to go home.

Nobody understands. The fear, the pain, the horror, it's not something you want. There's no way out, you're trapped. He'll kill you if you stay, he'll kill you faster if you leave. Somewhere over the years he's convinced you that you deserve this. In your heart you know it's not true, but your heart's not in control anymore. Your battered pride is telling you the smartest thing you can do is brace yourself and crawl.

So you trudge your way home.

And as the blows rain down on you and as the darkness envelopes you you find yourself praying for the lumps.

They're the only thing telling you you're still alive.

I remember an interesting game of Never Have I Ever in my younger days.

We sit around a rusty basement table, smoke hovers lazily around our heads, ice floats in foam laden glasses, we ask each other questions, share our experiences, expect each other to bare our souls.

"Never have I ever...had sex on a Ferris Wheel."

Two pick up glasses, four of us snicker, one boyfriend looks miffed.

"Never have I ever...kissed Patrick."

Four glasses find lips, several eyebrows raise, many glares at Patrick (he was quite the ladies man you see).

"Never have I ever...slept with one of my professors for a better grade."

Silence. One glass...raises hesitantly at first, with more determination a moment later. Knowing there will be lots of gossip later I feel my cheeks burn for my good friend. Her reputation was sullied 10 minutes into the game and why were we playing this game in the first place?

The room is thick with tension. Whispers fill the air. She stares down at the table and lets them look at her. Someones clears their throat. Why isn't anyone saying anything?!? She didn't expect this, would it have made a difference if she had? Why did she pick up that glass?!?

A few minutes later, eyes still boring holes into her, they start the game again...

"Never have I ever..."

"That's enough!"

I grab my purse and head upstairs. I'll stay because I'm the DD tonight but I'm irate, offended for her, hurt for her. My desire to not see any of my friends die overpowers my desire to beat them over the head with baseball bats, just barely.

I stare out of the window into the night, I contemplate my life and the wasted moments. Moments like these that I can never get back. I convinced her to come here tonight, I told her it would be fun, I asked her to keep me company.

Why did she lift that damn glass?!? Is it really that important to be honest in a stupid game like this?!? I knew what she'd done before tonight but I never judged her, who are they to judge?!? Who had thought to ask that question? Had they already known?

My mind whirls...

I feel her behind me, I can see her reflection in the window. Her slight frame, dark hair falling over her eyes. She sighs and sits down next to me.

"It will be fine, really. I'll be fine."

.............................................

Why do we do that to ourselves? Give people the opportunity to desecrate us? And so easily too, so readily! It's almost as if we're eager to be abused. And the same could be asked of those who would use that information against us. Why? Why ask only to do harm?

We put such stigma on lying yet we encourage gossip. We expect so much of others, expect them to open their insides to us and then expect them to grin and bear it as we cut them all out.

Where does it end? When do we say no more? When do we have enough respect for one another to recognize boundaries, to understand the definition of faith and trust in each other?

Where does it end?!?

..............................................

That night it ended with me.

As the first droplets of rain pelt the window I turn and face her. I stand up quickly and wrap her in my arms, a gesture that surprises us both as sudden outbursts of affection are not my style. I kiss her cheek, apologize to her, promise I'll make it right. Right now.

I fly down the steps two at a time.

Their mouths drop as I point at each of them. I don't raise my voice, I don't have to. I make it clear to them that if word leaves this room of what they learned this night their lives would be a living Hell. I'd make sure of it.

They believe me. They're smart to believe me.

I tell them if they expect us to come back ever again they need to come up with new games. I make suggestions, surprisingly they want us to come back. They pick a few new games.

I don't know why I want to come back. Maybe I have something to prove, maybe I want her to prove something. I'm young, she's young, we have time to figure it out.

I tell them to call their parents, siblings or sober friends to come and get them. I take all their keys.

Silence.

As I head up the stairs she waits for me, she heard every word.

Her eyes are full of tears. I smile and throw my arm around her shoulder, I remind her of my promise. She nods. We say no more.

We say no more.

Let's get all of the cliches out of the way.

Home is where the heart is.
Home is where you hang your hat.
There's no place like home.
I'll be home for Christmas.
Be it ever so humble...
I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home.
Screw you guys I'm goin' home!

It's such a used up word, the word Home. We throw it around so recklessly, so easily. We abuse it, take it for granted. We rarely acknowledge the true meaning of Home and from our youngest years we dampen the importance:

When we're children we play house as practice for our hope filled futures. "You'll be Daddy, I'll be Mommy and Kitty can be Baby. No he doesn't mind the baby carriage and bib." As teenagers we play games where we count off the letters of our and our boyfriends names to decide whether we'll live in a mansion, a house, a cabin, a tent or a shack. As young women we buy dishes and curtains and fantasize about our dream home and how many rooms we'll have and where we'll put the living room furniture.

As middle aged women we start to realize that a home is not actually the brick, mortar and wood that we sleep in every night. Home is where we feel safe and secure as we close our eyes. It's the breathless moments of life that capture us and steal our imaginations. It's brushing the hair out of children's eyes as we kiss the center of their foreheads. The smell of fresh baked bread coming out of the oven from our own recipes. The last stitch in a scarf or sock made with thread that we were so proud to find. The third week of jogging and making it to the top of that elusive hill with our favorite dog by our side. The gravel kicking up beneath our tires as we fly down the back roads. The sun going down over the trees as we sip the last of the herbal tea and rock in our porch swing.

Home is the last brush stroke on a painting that's taken two years to complete.
Standing in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time while the salty waves lap your feet.
Holding hands as you make love for the 100th time and still feeling the romance.

Home is the good times and the bad times, the easy and the hard times. Home is the bill collectors threatening to turn off the electricity. It's being by your Mother's side as she takes her final breath and you feel her slip away. It's the slamming of doors as the whole family vows never to speak to each other again. It's the sewer flooding, the toilet backing up, the water heater leaking, the hole in the roof.

Groucho Marx once said "Home is where you hang your head."

Yes.

We only know we're truly home by those moments that define us, defy us, deny us, drive us.

If we can suffer the aches and pains, wait for the joys and pleasures, come back for more day after day after day, not because we HAVE to but because we WANT to, only then are we really home.

Last year I stood on top of the Great Temple mound at Ocmulgee National Monument in Georgia. Feeling the soil beneath my bare feet I could feel my lost heritage as clearly as if my ancestors were standing next to me telling me their tales. Before then, home was lost to me. I was an aimless soul and I wandered hopelessly, always searching.

I'm not lost anymore.

It's not a building or a town, an apartment or a piece of land.

Home is the truth we know, the pain we acknowledge, the love we accept.

In the end Home is not where you hang your hat, it's where you fulfill your soul.

(Last one for now, promise. :))

My fingers glide over the "spiritual" section of my book collection. I pause at the Christianity selections, mostly Gnostic texts from Mary, Peter, Judas Iscariot....a few Bibles of various translations, the Dead Sea Scrolls... I take out the Nag Hammadi Library, wipe the dust gently as I stare at the books on the next shelf. Wiccan. Books of spells, mystical properties, the solitary witch, elemental magick... Pagan. Buddhist. Celtic Druid. I'm thoughtful as I walk to my bedroom. I keep the Nag Hammadi with me as I pick up the bag filled with my newest acquisitions. Native American Spirituality. The very nature of the books resonate with me. Earth Spirit Living, Dancing With The Wheel, Walking With Grandfather....they call to me like old beloved songs.

I open Nag Hammadi and skim past the introduction. I find the first chapter, The Aprocryphon of James and read the first line:

"James write to [...]thos: Peace be with you from Peace, love from Love, grace from Grace, faith from Faith, life from Holy Life."

I open the first chapter of Earth Spirit Living:

"The Earth is alive and interacting with us every day."

As I set them next to each other I feel the pieces of myself coming together.

My faith is not black and white nor set in stone. My spirituality is a myriad of colors, elements of every religion ringing true in my heart. There is no limitation to what I believe or feel.

I believe in a higher power but I believe in the power of choice.
I believe in a life after death but I believe in a chance at a second life here on Earth.
I believe in Angels and wise beings but I believe in the spirits of the earth and wildlife.
I believe in magick but I believe in science.

The majority of my childhood was spent obtaining butt calluses on a hard pew every Wednesday and Sunday. I can still smell the wood polish. Listening to the vocalization of my church's Pastor preaching hell and damnation, quoting from a book that, to this day, I don't think he truly understood. Even in my youth I found myself wondering how anyone could so willingly follow a man who contradicted himself so readily and without apologies.

Even then I knew I was destined for something unique.

I follow noone.

Somewhere in my heart I feel that noone really has it right. Not truly, not yet.

The path I walk is one of my own making. My guides are the whispers in the air and trees around me. The faces in my dreams, the warm hands on my shoulders that I can feel but never really see. The stars, the moon, the sun, the spring breeze. My intuition, my heart.

Some may say this is an easy path, no demands on your time, no rules to follow.

Not so.

I'd argue that this is the harder path, the one less traveled. This is the path of the most resistance, the one that everyone is afraid of, everyone is less accepting of. This road is one full of thorns and weeds and stones...and those who are willing to throw them at you as you try to walk, sometimes run....

It's not an easy path, but it's mine. It's one I walk happily after years of searching to find it.

It's not the right way for everyone, that's the key. Each of us has a different path to take, there are an eternity of roads and it's up to you to find yours. It's your choice whether you follow someone else's path, a route that has already been cleared for you or if you choose to find the one that belongs only to you.

Everyone's faith is different, noone's is right or wrong. I believe that noone has it right yet...but...the important thing is what feels the most "right" to you. What feels like the right fit? Are you limiting your options? Have you explored everything? Because GOD, Buddha, Yahweh, Goddess, Zeus, Mohamed, Jesus, The One Spirit (etc) knows there is a LOT to explore!

It has to start with finding that faith in yourself.

If you've done that then you've been on the right path all along.

GOD, Buddha, Yahweh, Goddess, Zeus, Mohamed, Jesus, The One Spirit (etc) speed.

I did this entry last year and wrote about my Dad. Of course he'll always be my Hero but it occurred to me this time around that, although my Dad was a wonderful man, there is more than one person whose lives have touched mine who are more than deserving of recognition.

Who is my Hero?

Let's look at that word, Hero.

A Hero is a person regarded by many as a model, an ideal human being. A Hero is someone that performs a courageous act and is respected, admired for his or her brave deeds and noble qualities.

So when you read that definition you think of people like Martin Luther King Jr., John Lennon, John F. Kennedy, Jesus, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Clara Barton, Eleanor Roosevelt, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Jim Henson.... People of some influence who changed the world with their bravery, their music and art, their determination.....

...but lately, and more accurately I believe, when I think of Hero, I think of someone else...

I think of the single Mothers of the world. Those left on their own by Fate or by Destiny who struggle to survive alone. Not willing to give up, working minimum wage jobs to barely put scraps on the table of their child, sometimes children. These same women who make sure their kids never know hunger, never hear the bill collectors calling, never feel the cold in their warm coats and boots while their Mom's wear thin jackets in below freezing weather for "just one more year". Mom's who agree to exchange a day shift for a night shift with a coworker so they can attend their child's play, sit in the audience with tears gleaming in their eyes as their baby says the two short lines they were given. Never think of themselves, always making sure the little one eats first, has the best clothes she can afford, gets to go on the school field trip even when she can't really afford it. And as their children get older they never expect a thank you. Noone ever knows the sacrifices she made as she watches her little boy or girl walk across the stage and accept their diploma. A kiss on the cheek and a hug are good enough as she lets them go, lets them start their lives with a better beginning than she ever had....


I think of the children born in violence. Those who come from warn torn or poverty stricken communities. Never enough to eat, struggling to survive, battered, abused, torn apart. Fighting for what little education is available, begging for a chance to live a normal life. Those children strong enough to say no to the readily available drugs, no to the gangs who beckon them to join, those who fight every single day of their lives to be free of the chains..chains not of their making. And one day....one day the fighting pays off and they fly. And they teach, showing others that they too can survive, that it's not hopeless, that all is not truly lost....

I think of the men and women who save our lives every day, those who teach us, guide us, the overlooked and under appreciated heroes of our world. The soldiers, the firemen, the policemen, the doctors and nurses, the farmers, the teachers....without thanks, without rewards, without a second thought. Those who are taken for granted, ignored, ridiculed, blamed, forgotten. Yet they continue on, sometimes risking their lives, always putting everything on the line for the slim chance that they can save one life, feed one person, give hope just one more time....

I think of the freedom fighters. Those people who are not afraid to take a stand for what they believe in. Fighting against ignorance, poverty, cruelty, injustice. No matter how big the opponent they never say when. They are the winners of impossible battles, the masters of paving unimagined roads. Not always the leaders but always the dreamers, the believers. They are those that you don't find in the history books, the power behind the great names, the momentum that carried the day. They are the solitary man who would dare to stand in front of a tank alone, the soldier who protected his "enemy" and his enemy's family and said to his comrades no more, the woman who risked her life to save someone else's child, the voice in the crowd that started the song and ended the riot....


These, ladies and gentlemen, are our true heroes. These are the people you should admire, respect, give of your awe. They are the strength of our world, the courage in our hearts, the determination that moves us forward. They live their lives day by day without praise, without thanks, without recognition and yet they go on. They go on and they succeed and they fail and we love them and we hate them and we treasure them and we fault them....and they go on....

In the great words of Arthur O'Shaughnessy:

WE are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.

A Hero is not a name, it's an action. The true Heroes are those that remain unsung....

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
--In The Air Tonight-Phil Collins

“When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.”
--John Lennon

“Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”
--Anais Nin

"Hold on to me."


"Don't let me go."


"I won't let you go."


"I'm slipping!"


"I've got you....."

How many times have I said those words?

How many times have those words been said to me?

How many times have those words been lies?

How many true...how many did I believe?

I wonder about those moments when I've seen a hand reaching out to me that I refused to take, all those life preservers that I wouldn't swim to. Did it make me stronger? Did I make anyone stronger by telling them to swim on their own? When I look back now did they swim or did they drown? Was it my fault that they were pulled under by the current that was too strong for them to fight? Was it my responsibility to save them over and over..and over...and over...

Did I blame them when they didn't save me?

How many times did I mistake the smile and wave of a happy loved one when inside they were being crushed by the waves? Why didn't I pay closer attention?

Where does my obligation end and theirs begin?

How many people do I have to rescue before I can feel good about myself?

Am I strong enough not to let them pull me down with them?

Am I pulling them down with me?

..............................

I hear those thoughts as echoes in my mind. Over and over as I walk through the oceans of people surrounding me I ponder the vastness of existence, the strength it takes to live it. I look into their faces and wonder who will wake up in the morning to face another day and who will find themselves overcome, unable to go on. Who will sink and who will swim.

I hear about them on the news. I hurt for them, anguish for them, anger for them. Did I pass them on the street today? Could I have helped them? Would they have listened to me?

What can I do? Who can I help? How do I save them?

I want to save them all but I'm not strong enough. I'm not big enough. The task is whale size and I'm nothing but a starfish. I watch, I hope, I float beside them for awhile but know in the end the decision is theirs. I think maybe the only life I can save is my own, maybe I can only save...me....

...and yet....

...yet if I reach out my hand and feel another grab mine, and another and another... If I trust and allow myself to be trusted. If I believe and allow myself to be believed in. If I float calmly and hold their hands....

Maybe I'll discover that life isn't an ocean after all. Maybe with each touch we lessen the vastness. Now an ocean, then a lake...a pond...a puddle...a drop of rain....

...a drop of rain....

Is it possible to drown in a drop of rain?

I'm not sure, but isn't it worth it to find out?

I have to believe that it is.

I have to believe that it is......

I have to believe....

And you, to each other.

This is the second semi-annual tru2myart FRIENDING FRENZY!!!

:cheers, throws streamers, balloons fall all around:

:looks around uncertainly, realizes it's 6:30 in the morning, sweeps the floor, puts the balloons away, clears throat:

Yeah well, we'll save that for later.

There have been so many changes in my life this last year, so much growth, that I'm on the lookout for new people to share those experiences with. People to discuss my new, budding interests with and to open my life to.

Or, just some friends to LJ buddy around with.

Not only that, but I have some really fantastic friends here. From authors and artists (and a puppetmaker40!) to stay at home Moms and every day Joes. I am blessed to have you all and I want you to get to know each other as well as introduce me to the people in your lives.

That being said, I'll start the introductions:

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Penny. I'm a Mom of four wonderful kids, I'm single (living with one of my dearest friends) and a full time employee at a nationally known company. I'm an artist, an author (or a blooming one, ask me about the book I'm co-writing/almost finished with another dear friend), a spiritualist, an environmentalist, a gardener, a sometimes philosopher and a full time dreamer.

I'm open minded, I try to always be fair (sometimes I fail but I try), and I'm a great listener.

Last year I took a journey with my daughter and my best friend clauderainsrm that changed my life forever. You can see and read all about it here: Spirit Journey (Gotta friend me first. HA!)
During the trip I found my ancestors, my totem and myself.

My other best friend jenny_junipurr and her husband tom_vroom are also here on my journal. Jenny is one of my blessings, she keeps me grounded but loves me enough to cuddle me whenever I need it. If she friends you you'll be one fortunate cookie.

I'm a childhood and marriage abuse survivor. I broke the cycle and sometimes you'll hear me talk about that...although not nearly as often as I used to.

What else? Oh! I'm a blue eyed, redhead who lives in the middle of Corn Country, IL (that would be me in the icon there...I have a better one but I've been enough of a picture HO lately). I aspire to move someday...so I can live in the middle of Manta Ray Country, FL. I love to read pretty much anything from auto biographies to comic books, I love music, art, politics, any kind of religious discussions.....you want to teach me, I'm willing to listen.

That's about everything for now, I hope it's enough to spark your interest. I'm pretty diverse and I've got an eclectic bunch of friends here I think you'd just adore.

Please come and introduce yourself. Pimp it out, bring your friends, bring your kids, bring your pets. This post is open to everyone (no anonymous comments allowed) and the bar will be open at noon.

ETA: I have to run to work but please don't let that stop the party. I'll be back this afternoon and the music and bar will be in full swing, promise.

I removed 30 some people from my friends list and several people from my other two journals. There will be more cuts coming in the future, I'm just doing it slowly to get myself used to the idea since this is always hard for me.

If I cut you it's not personal....although anytime anyone says that to me I take it personally so I guess that's a moot point. Either you weren't posting anymore, we hadn't formed a bond or the bond we had was gone. No drama involved. I really just have to pair it down so I can start really growing the relationships I know have a chance. I have to do the healthy thing right now, I hope you all understand.

Take care of yourselves, I wish you nothing but health, happiness and light.

As Christmas approaches and the end of the year is nigh I reflect on the changes this last year has wrought.

Beginning Jan 2nd:

I lost my job in Chicago.

At the time I was devastated. I even begged for my boss not to fire me, a fact which humiliates me now. He had no valid reason for letting me go at the time....but when I look back I can say with all sincerity that I wasn't very good at what I was doing there. I'm a structure type of gal when it comes to my employment and the lack of structure there just threw me. Oh I loved it for the first two weeks. I was hollering "FREEDOM TO DO WHAT I WANT!!" from the top of my lungs. But by the third week I knew it wasn't going to work. That and the stress of the commute had me regretting my decision to leave my old company. Sure my old boss had been a bitch to work for but at least I wasn't traveling damn near two hours every morning, one third driving, one third train, one third walking, to get to the office only to not know what the hell I was doing.

I was completely lost after it happened. I had never been fired from a job before and I had no idea how to cope.

On top of that I'd lost some people who were very close to me. I considered them family and I felt that they turned their backs on me. Looking back now I see a different picture. We just simply weren't right for one another. Not that they weren't nice people, they were. But I was trying to fit myself into a group that 1:) had been pretty tight with each other for a lot of years and 2:) just wasn't...me if that makes sense. I wanted something from them that they weren't able to give me. I should have realized that from the beginning and backed off some, stopped trying to get them to fit into the puzzle that I needed filled. We may not have been as close but maybe we'd still be talking. Ah well, if wishes were horses as they say. Too, I changed when I was with them. I became somebody that I didn't like, someone that made me unhappy with myself. That's not an avenue I'd ever want to explore again. Not now, not after the changes that I've made.

So that was my January.

For awhile I sank into a deep ugly depression with LJ as my only outlet. I sat at home and stared at walls while the kids were in school. I lost a lot of weight and grew pale and miserable. I tried going back to school for awhile but that was a bust. I truly believe that had I continued on that course I wouldn't be sitting here typing to you right now, it was a long dark road I was on.

Enter May.

My friend Gary and I decided to take a trip. Originally it started out a 16th birthday celebratory trip for my oldest daughter but life being what it is it, of course, turned into so very much more.

It was the beginning of the biggest change of my life.

It was the spiritual adventure of a lifetime. I met some amazing people, saw the most incredible places, found my real home, my ancestors AND my totem. I swam in the Gulf of Mexico, stood on the burial mound of my people, pet a sting ray, drove through the mountains, walked through one of the oldest natural monuments in America, ate the world's best homemade peach cobbler, danced to the blues on Beale St. and watched the sun go down over the place I'll someday call home.

A trip that began as a way of connecting with my daughter turned out the be the journey that saved me.

I took a second trip shortly thereafter that I keep close to my heart and close to those people who I visited. That trip simply confirmed where I needed to go and what I need to do and who really cared about me.

I'm a completely different person now, the person I want to be, the person I was meant to be. Since the trip I've eliminated a lot of excess baggage in my life, including my abusive mother once and for all and a lot of people who just weren't good for me. I've also welcomed into my life three adopted families, Gary's, Jenny's and Eve's. They take care of me, watch over me and my children, advise me and love me more I've been loved in a long long time. Finally I've found the family that I've been looking for. I also have a lot of "brothers", "sisters" and "cousins" here on LJ that I've gotten incredibly close to. Even if we don't all get the chance to talk every single day I know there are so many of you that I can count on and who worry about me when I'm not around and that is just the best feeling.

In August I started my new job, one that I absolutely love. For the first time in my life I'm making a true difference in the lives of others, I'm changing the course of their lives for the better in a lot of cases and I leave the office with such a sense of satisfaction and pride. I had my first one on one with my boss a couple of days ago and he told me that I was a front runner on my team and that he saw me going anywhere I wanted to go in the company. He wants me to work towards being a MANAGER!! :bounces: He's going to sign me up to train for many of the other products we work with and get me in the management training program as soon as possible.

With that position under my belt I can definitely continue my plans to move to Florida in the next two years. There are sister companies to mine all over the United States and as a manager I could travel to any of them and take up the position there.

My life has changed so much this year, it's so much better than it ever was before. I feel fulfilled in a way that I never have. I still have a lot of work to do but now I know that I'm on the right path. I feel more intelligent, more enlightened, more at peace.

So what's on the agenda for this year?

Well I can tell you that I'm not going to make any typical New Years Resolutions. No weight loss plans, no goals to eat better, watch t.v. less, write the "great American novel"... No, this year my goal is to continue doing what I'm doing now. I've already started a savings account that I'm not allowing myself to touch. I'm calling it "Florida Ho!" and we'll see how it's looking in the next two years and where my daughters take themselves to college. Hopefully I can convince them to pick a Florida university...although the second one has her heart set on Harvard and her school counselor has been encouraging her. I just don't know if I could handle her being way up on the east coast and me being in Florida...and I also don't know where we'd come up with that kind of money. But all good things in time. Her counselor has been suggesting with her grades we could get a lot of it paid for with grants and such. We'll see...I digress.

I do want to continue to get closer to those people I love. I need to give them more of my time and energy, that's my biggest goal for 2008. I became such a hermit this year for such a long time and I was hurt so much emotionally that it's been difficult for me to pull myself out of my shell and trust again. But I know the people I love truly love me back and for them I'm willing to chance it.

I'm going to continue to stay focused and get closer to my children. They are such amazing young people, I'm truly blessed to have them all. As their personalities develop more and more every day I can proudly say that they are some of the most bright, creative, loving, funny, open minded young people I know and I can also be very proud that I had a hand in that. They question everything and they walk to the beats of their own drums. I have kids who are going to make a difference in the world someday, a positive difference, and I simply couldn't ask for better than that.

So for 2008, with God and Mother Earth watching me, Butterfly guiding me, my children and loved ones supporting me and my Dad and Ancestors walking the path with me, I'm ready for the new year to begin.

Bring it on!

I did the final cut. If you're still here I hope this cut will help give me the time and opportunity to get to know you better and for you to get to know me. If I cut you it's for one of the three reasons I mentioned before, either I didn't feel we were close anymore, we never made a connection in the first place or you've stopped posting pretty much altogether. I made the last post to give everyone who might have fallen into those three categories the opportunity to talk to me. If you didn't email me or comment and you fell into one of those I assumed you also didn't/no longer felt close to me and again I wish you love and safe journey.

This was very difficult for me, it's the largest cut I've ever made. I hope everyone
understands.

ETA: Each month for the next couple of months I'm going to reassess my f-list and do more cuts as necessary. I'm going to try very hard to connect to those people that are left here that are new or who I've still not made that total "Love Connection" with. :smiles: You all know what I mean. I figure the more I cut the closer I'll get to everyone who's left. I really hope to form some much stronger bonds over the next few months.

I did a cut and I'll be doing another soon. So anyone who no longer feels close to me or has never developed a connection, consider this your get out of jail free card. I won't be angry, I won't be sad and my feelings won't be hurt. I'm cutting those people who have either stopped posting altogether or who I no longer feel connected to OR who I never connected to in the first place. If you're worried that you might fall into one of those three categories and you don't want to go comment here or shoot me an email and let me know that you want to stay. I'll keep anyone who shows an interest in continuing/developing a relationship with me otherwise I'm going to start letting people go. My life has been so busy lately that I decided I need to cut down and invest my time to only those people who really care about me or who I feel close to. This isn't about commenting, this is just about connecting. I have loads of people who aren't commenters but I enjoy their company anyway and I feel that we have a connection via their journal if nothing else.

If you decide to leave I wish you the best of luck and send you off with a hug and love.

I was having a hard time deciding what day to do my Save the World entries and I figured what better day to do them then on Post HO Drama Free day?!?

Yesterday I watched American Idol, I'm sure many of you did as well. I watched it with my family and we all spent a good portion of the two hours crying into each other and thanking the spirits that we're as lucky as we are. I know that the producers of the show were specifically going for that effect but let's face it, there are countless videos and pictures out there of children dying, orphaned, or living in poverty stricken toxic conditions without them being displayed on a reality t.v. show and all of them make me cry.

They should make you cry too.

So today we're going to talk about the ONE campaign.

( Behind the cut as promised. Information on the campaign. )

( Controversy )

( What can you do to help? )

As always, we CAN make a difference.

Please pass this information on if you deem it worthy. One voice in a crowd is rarely heard, 10,000 voices cannot be ignored.